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Day 7: What am I Afraid of?

I was afraid.
I am still afraid.
 
Since the beginning of the year, I’ve had a journal that reads “Let your faith be stronger than your fear.”  Those beautiful words are something that I have known for years upon years, but if I’m being honest, it’s easier said than done.  It’s easy to say to have strong faith, but the truth of the matter is my fear seems to always shine through and just diminish every ounce of faith I had in my heart.  Why?  That part, I’m still trying to figure out.  But I think a part of it is not trusting the one who can and the one who will. 


Fear is defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”  Fear is also to feel painful apprehension of some impending evil. 


Impending evil.  Apprehension.  Pain.  But what am I afraid of?


On the contrary, faith is defined as "complete trust in someone or something." Now what does this mean?  My lack of faith is evident that I don’t have complete trust in someone or something.  But who or what don’t I have complete trust in?
 
When I first started Queen Naturals, I was afraid.  I believed in my products, but I didn’t believe that it could be a business.  But I stepped out on faith, said what’s the worst that could happen, and went for it.  The longer I am in business and the more I go through life and God places new things on my heart to present to the world, the more my faith is tested.  Not only that but, the more I find myself feeling afraid.  Apprehensive.  Feeling an unpleasant emotion because of the belief that something is going to cause pain.  But why? 


It wasn’t until I was watching Coach Carter one day with my son that all of it started to make sense.  One of my favorite characters in that movie is Timo Cruz.  There was one part in the movie where it was clear to me that Timo wanted to play with the basketball team, but he allowed pride to stop him from doing what he knew he needed to do so he could play. Because he was being prideful, he wouldn’t even go to the person who would allow him to play, apologize, and move on. Instead, he would rather sit in his funk and get into things that bring trouble to his life, knowing he is gifted in basketball.  As I was explaining this part to my son, I was reminded of something.  How many times have I let pride and fear get into my own head so much that I don’t go to the one person who has the ability to take all of the fear away?  I would just rather sit in my funk, or sit in a place outside of my gifting, and remain stagnant or go through unnecessary situations that could have been prevented if I just stayed in my calling? 


The same week that I watched Coach Carter, God led me to an old journal entry of mine where he flat out showed me that I am prideful.  And low and behold, guess what is one indicator or symptom of pride … Fear.
 
Remember, fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or is a threat.  God revealed to me that fear also shows a lack of trust in him – the inability to allow him to take full control.  Is this not me?  Do I not have a hard time relinquishing control to God? I don’t know why, when I know that he can do all that I can imagine or fathom.  Is it because I’ve always been so used to taking control of things myself?  Is it because I’ve been let down in the past when I put my faith in someone else?  Is it because I’m just plain ol’ selfish and I want things to go my way?  Regardless of my past history and previous life experiences, God is not like man.  And I have to let that pride go.  I have to let that fear go, because in all actuality, it’s only hindering me from being who I am called to be.
 
Through 30 Days of Intentionality, God has been showing me exactly what it is like to relinquish that control over to him.  When I write these devotionals, it is a word from God.  As you are reading right now, you are reading direct evidence of God’s power and me giving Him complete control. 


I have been afraid.  I have been afraid to do many things with Queen Naturals. And I am still afraid today.  I am afraid to lead 30 Days of Intentionality, fearing that I (or my words) won’t be good enough.  But God is showing me that its not about me.  I have to stop leaning into my own strength and power but lean into his.  God has not given us a spirit of fear – he has given us power, love, and a sound mind.  When I rest in knowing that any word that I deliver needs to come directly from him – when I rest in knowing that I need full and complete trust in him to fulfill his calling over my life – when I rest in knowing that He is able and it’s not by no power of my own – the fear is lifted because I have no reason to be afraid. And the faith becomes stronger because I know I have Him.
 
I know this has been a long read, but I’m going to end with this. 

In Coach Carter, Coach repeatedly asks Timo Cruz what he is afraid of.  At the end of the movie, he quotes Marianne Williamson from her book “A Return to Love.” He doesn’t say the entire quote, but I’m going to share it here –

 “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 
What am I afraid of?  It’s not that I’m not enough.  Its that I am too much.  That I am powerful beyond measure.  But my light is the very thing that God placed on the inside of me to shine and be a light to someone else.  I cannot allow my light to cause me to want to shrink and play small… my light is to bask in and be witnessed by someone else.  By living in my light.. letting “this little light of mine” shine… I am free – and I give someone else permission and freedom to do the same.
 
I pray that as I “let my faith be stronger than my fear,” I give you permission, freedom, encouragement, and confidence to do the same.

____

"God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  - 2 Timothy 1:7 

 


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  • Whitney on

    Your obedience has and is yielding fruit! I am right where your devotion lands and thank you for the continued encouragement and push to keep going despite the fear – of being inadequate, successful but in whose eye? Certainly, not God. I’m such a perfectionist and because I don’t see how I can be perfect or fear that if I strive for excellence it will fall flat, then I just hang back by the pool with my feet dangling instead of jumping in. My sister has been helpful in this by asking “do you think the Lord can use it” so I can move on and stop being stuck on perfect lines. I would have never guessed you had these struggles as I’m sure there are plenty of people you may look to and think the same. The difference for those who believe is that we don’t have to have confidence in ourselves, just our Maker who told us to go. Blessings to you and your family

  • Marquia on

    Jesus! Sis, this one touched me!!!! I’ve been off in my relationship with God and not been following the intentional Journaling but Today, I read this!!! You are amazing! Thank you so much for letting God use you and shining your light! I’m currently just struggling internally. It’s a battle in my mind. Internally, I feel so stuck. No motivation to get into my Bible and just thinking sinful thoughts and ready to give up.

    But today, I went to church for the first time in awhile and the sermon was about feeling stuck in the middle. That’s me because I’m in school, yet confused about what God wants me to do next. I’m single and feeling stuck here as well. But the message was about trusting God EVEN THOUGH you feel stuck. Reading your post made me realize that I’m not stuck, but I fear my future because of the unknown. As you said, this translates into me not trusting God to provide, which is despicable!

    HE has the husband for me. He also has placed a big dream on my heart that has been putting so much fear in me. & now I can relate heavily to your message because I’m scared to let that light shine. It seems to be too big of a dream. But that’s what God wants us to do. Shine our light!

    My dream is to open up my own pharmacy once I graduate to serve my community and be the bridge for blacks and other minorities to feel welcomed and educated about their health status and medications. To be representative in my community, wherever that may be. As I type this, my heart is racing because writing it makes it feel more real. Anyways girl, thank you! I appreciate you and this 30 days! I have a journal for it now!


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